I Love Words

People often take fluency for granted. It's not everyday that you think about words; their origins, pronunciations, characteristics. Words are rarely read- they are usually recognised or assumed from context. Eevn if I wree to dberelialty mpesilsl msot of tehse wrods, you, the rdeaer, wulod sitll udnreatsnd me.

In conversation we're particularly blinded to their beauty. We're usually far more interested in what is being said than how it's actually being communicated. We are fascinated by the fact that we can often preempt what our friends say. We attribute this phenomenon to an intimate bond between ourselves, rather than what it actually is: subconscious recognition of familiar speech patterns.

The most amazing thing about words, though, is our ability to comprehend them. Anybody who has ever had a pet will recognise an animal's ability to understand basic commands (verbs) and objects (nouns). Humans, however, are capable of understanding infinitely more complex and abstract words; prepositions, adverbs, antecedents and determiners, and this understanding is largely intuitive. In fact, it is our ability to differentiate between the words 'a' and 'the' that in turn differentiates us from animals.

Words also provide us with some historical insight. For example, about 1700 words are attributable to Shakespeare including; lonely, assassination, fixture and torture. Shakespeare also introduced various prevailing syntax conventions, such as using I to refer to oneself (I went to the market, Daniel and I, etc). In modern Hebrew the word for stroll is le'hizdangef , which was inspired when Ben Eliezer (the father of modern Hebrew) observed young couples strolling around Dizengoff Square in Tel Aviv. Language is therefore evolutionary, constantly changing to remain relevant.

Most importantly, words have a profound capacity to influence us. Adolf Hitler's angry words brought the world to war and Churchill's inspirational lexis brought us out off it. When we hear the words of Martin Luther King we are in awe and when we listen to George W. Bush stumble, we are, not in awe.

Such is the power of words.

Requiem to the -ise

Frankly, I have had enough with the Americans and their persistent abuse of the English language. They mispronounce words, omit letters and have an unhealthy obsession with the letter Z, which they too mispronounce as 'zee'.

Many of the great English words ending in -ise are slowly taking the more dynamic -ize. Some examples include; emphasise, maximise, minimise, hypothesise, theorise, etc. Traditionally, this abominable habit of Americanising words has been largely quarantined within the United States. For example, consider that most English speakers still spell the words neighbours, aluminium, amoeba, judgement, catalogue, colour and programme correctly. However, the proliferation of US software throughout the rest of the English speaking world is rapidly eroding this geographical containment. Microsoft Word is the greatest offender. Not only does the programme underline correctly spelt words with that obnoxious red squiggle (a jihad on that red squiggle!), but it suggests incorrect Americanised variants. Once in a while, Word won't even bother asking your permission to Americanise your spelling- it will just take the initiative itself, sticking in a zee where it doesn't belong!

And so, this is a requiem to the -ise, indeed, all correct spelling which has a fancy American variant. I, for one, will resist American linguistic imperialism, but I fear, alas, that I am in the minority.

Whr Dd ll Th Vwls G?

Whr Dd ll Th Vwls G?

(T reporting for CNN)- Scenes of chaos from the Alphabet this morning, as consonants awoke to find a notable absence of vowels. In breaking news, a videotape has emerged from the hostage taker; Y. Y shows the vowels bound and gagged, and has made several demands.

Y: "I demand universal and unambiguous recognition as a consonant. No longer shall I be considered the Alphabet's pariah! I will kill one vowel each hour, starting from U, until my demands are met!"

For his comment we are now joined by the Alphabet's President Elect, W. Mr. President, how do you respond to Y?

W: "This administration has a clear policy of not negotiating with hostage takers. I would like to let all the letters out there know that we are pursuing all possible leads and are attempting to resolve this crisis as soon as possible."

Does that mean that you are categorically ruling out acquiescing to Y's demands?

W: "At this stage I don't believe it's appropriate to rule anything out. All possibilities are on the table. I will just re-enforce my earlier statement that we are rigorously pursuing all leads to determine where the hostages are being kept."

How have the consonants within your administration responded to the crisis?

W: "As you can imagine everyone is on edge. Q is particularly distraught and has been unable to fulfill his duties. He's been temporarily replaced."

Do you have any idea why Y is doing this?

W: "Y comes from mixed progeny. His mother was a vowel and his father a consonant. As most letters are aware, classification as a vowel stems from maternity whereas recognition as consonant comes from paternity. Y is thus technically both a vowel and a consonant but has been largely rejected by each group. He lives on the fringes of the Alphabet among other disillusioned and often neglected letters, X and Z."

Do you believe that either X or Z have any role in this?

W: "X and Z are voluntarily co-operating with the police. Currently there is no evidence of that."

Thanks for your time, Mr President.

What's an Actuary?

One of the most common question asked of actuaries (or in my case, actuarial students) is "what does an actuary do?" In my experience, only about one in five people have actually heard of the profession and only about half of those have a reasonable understanding of what we do. Occasionally, someone will try to guess. Here are some of the good (and not so good) guesses I've heard.

• Are you studying to fix aquariums? (Aquatuary?)
• Is that something to do with fish? (Maybe it's my pronunciation)
  
• That's like risk management, right? (These days everybody manages risk)
• Oh, I covered some actuarial maths in my accounting major. It's basically calculating present values? (Yep, actuarial mathematics is largely just multiplying by (1+r)^-n)
• You're basically accountants but really good at maths. (Never call an actuary an accountant!)
• You're studying to be an actor? (It's definitely my pronunciation)
• Oh, Edward Norton's character from Fight Club? (Actuaries aren't great fighters)
• You guys try to guess what will happen in the future? (That's right, we're in the esteemed club of financial alchemists. A technical trader currently occupies the presidency)
• I did actuarial but it was boring so I dropped it. I am now a finance major! (No comment.)
  

Check back soon. This list is destined to grow.

I wish that all the ladies...

I learnt a really funny army-style camp song a few days ago. It basically involves a leader saying each line and the crowd repeating. Here it is:

I wish that all the ladies
Were sailors in a race
And I was the head wind
I'd blow in their face

I wish that all the ladies
Were lying naked on my bed
And I was (name)
I'd fuck my mate instead

I wish that all the ladies
Were potholes in the road
And I was the dump truck
I'd fill 'em with my load

I wish that all the ladies
Were bells in a tower
And I was Quasimodo
I'd bang 'em every hour

I wish that all the ladies
Were pedals on a rose
And I was the gardener
I'd wet 'em with my hose

I wish that all the ladies
Were sheep in the grass
And I was a Kiwi
I'd fuck 'em in the arse

I wish that all the ladies
Were sitting naked on my lap
And I was (name)
I wouldn't get erect